I have been cheating again. On my writing. At least, that's how it feels.
For the past year--that long?!--I've been digging into creativity in many different ways, through dance, costume design, event coordination, marketing, bookkeeping, organizational design, participatory leadership... yeah, there's been a lot going on.
In so much of it I feel like I've returned to monkey mind, that beginning, learning state of being open and absorbing new information. Inhaling.
It's been exhilarating, but also exhausting. I miss feeling confident, on top of my game, like I did when I was copyediting or writing poetry. So why am I not doing those things?
Somehow, sitting at my desk composing, then submitting to contests and journals, has felt lonely and alienating for some time. Whether my work is accepted or rejected, published or ignored, I find that the process feels one-sided. I still love to read poetry, but I have not done very well in making lasting connections with other poets. I've gotten to the point where striving for this contest or that journal no longer feels like enough. I've lost that lovin' feeling.
There must be other ways to apply my skills, knowledge, intuitive grasp of the written word. Other ways to put my poetry into the world that doesn't feel like shouting into the wind or pissing in the ocean.
So I'm seeking. My resume is all over the map. I'm exploring, taste-testing, seeking. Where is my calling? I thought I had found it--poetry--but now I need a new way to explore it, to share it. (Also, I need income.) It feels strange and risky to branch out in all these different directions, yes, like cheating.
But something is building. These avenues are leading to something, I can feel it. It's like composing a poem: I have the tools, and now I'm going on intuition to discover where the poem is going to take me. This time, it's on a broader scale: discovering my life's work. (Is that too big to say?) A lot of faith, trust, and hope is going into this project, and it's scary to not know. Here's hoping that soon I begin to see the pattern, the path becomes clear, and that sense of confidence returns.